My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college