Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Become a minion. Get that bread.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something