ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT