Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
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In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.