Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.