[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y