I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My favorite farside!!
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
what does he know…
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.