*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another