I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
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*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.