Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I falcon love using swear birds
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
The Book. The Movie.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started