I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
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[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Welcome to the stomach
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant