I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!