Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
You Might Also Like
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me