Is this a threat?
You Might Also Like
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”