14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
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Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?