[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
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can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits