How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
You Might Also Like
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm