HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
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I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
FRED: right
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Not all heroes wear capes….
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan