me and who
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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
how to have an accident 101
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings