Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
inventing words: clothing
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.