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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Fries, not lies.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”