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I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.