I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My teenage children choosing violence
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Liquor Store Parking
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”