I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Yup!
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Is Mercury still in the microwave?