If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
one of
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness