[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia