The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
How does one answer this?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?