Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
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Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.