I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
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ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm