the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
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My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Woke up with morning Yule Log
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day