9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.