You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*