Spell check is for lasers.
You Might Also Like
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
doing your own taxes
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Venn
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Tier 3 meme