Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
@funTweeters
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.