Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
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i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster