museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
The smoothest fall of all time
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.