me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
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The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress