Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
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Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
That’s fair
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area