The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
why would tinder want me to say this
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!