Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Sunday
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks