The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*