[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
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sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando