Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.