When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
giddy up Office Depot
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘