Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
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Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.