held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.