Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
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I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Oh hi lol
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy