Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
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my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not