Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
So glad we cleared that up
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings