Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
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Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!